Just A Thought

“We cannot eliminate hunger,

but we can feed each other.

We cannot eliminate loneliness,

but we can hold each other.

We cannot eliminate pain,

but we can live a life

of compassion.”

-Mark Nepo, from Accepting This

I don’t have much to say except that while we cannot change the entire world all at once, the day- no, the second– that we stop trying to, is the exact moment that we lose our best shot at ever getting there.

I don’t think that a blog will change the world. I’m not that naive. But laughter is my favorite defense against all the crap that makes us cynical. If we stop taking ourselves so seriously and start taking our responsibility to be better people more seriously… well maybe we got a shot at this thing. As silly as it sounds, a blog may not change the world, but I’ll never stop hoping that someone who laughs more than they hate, will.

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Chivalry Isn’t Dead, Thankfulness Is

Let me start off with a story that doubles as my “Happy Moment” for this Wednesday:

Walking into the library today, I held a series of three doors open for a male student behind me. A pretty common act of courtesy in a high-traffic area, I would assume. After the second door, we kind of smiled at each other, realizing we were going to the same place. But then it happened- as we got to the middle of the staircase, I saw him speed up and rush in front of me to open the fourth door. I involuntarily smiled again. You see, I didn’t know this kid; I was just opening a door that I needed to go through and happened to hold it just a moment longer so that he could catch it too. However, his effort to return the favor made me thankful that I held the other three.


I often hear women say that “chivalry is dead,” and I am usually quite confused. If chivalry is just kindness from a man to a woman… well, then I find men being “chivalrous” in my everyday life. They hold doors, help me chase down the runaway papers that I dropped on the ground (this is a surprisingly frequent occurrence), and smile at me daily.

Possibly because I do those things for others. Possibly because they think I’m pretty (which is unlikely if you have ever seen me on campus before noon). Or possibly because someone in their life told them that this is what “men” should do.-

I don’t care the reasoning, kindness is always something to be thankful for. Studies show that repeat behaviors build from positive feedback. Basically… say “thank you” to people. While kindness should be freely given to everyone we encounter, it isn’t. I think we too often choose to focus on the places where kindness is absent as opposed to the places where it is present.

No, not every man is a model gentleman all the time! But guess what you pessimistic little girl? The sky doesn’t always bring us sunshine, no no, sometimes it ruins your picnic with rain… and do you hate the whole entire sky? Nuttuh. Get over it, people are selfish and less than kind sometimes, the world is full of mere mortals. Just because one time a guy didn’t open your door, doesn’t mean that “chivalry is dead,” it more likely just means that you have to open your own.

Men, just like women, are seen as the sum of their parts. If a guy had a girlfriend that was a little eccentric, do you want him running around saying “women are crazy”?

fat amy

So stop saying that “chivalry is dead,” or else men are more than likely going to start believing it. Rejoice in the victories, don’t wallow in the defeats.

My Inner Monoblog Part (I don’t know I’ll have to check)

Part (no seriously, I really will check) of a series on my funnier filtered thoughts that usually stay in a Note on my phone until I get to 10ish.

1) Why are you watching me type? You’re making me very conscious of the fact that I don’t use the home keys.

2) PIN. Just PIN. It already has the word “number” in it. Seriously someone explain to the world what an acronym is.

3) Don’t say anything about blue eyeshadow. The second you do, you will find out just how much this lady loves blue eyeshadow.

4) I number a lot of things. Why didn’t I name this blog “Life as a Series of Numbered Lists”?

5) Everyone knows the shaped mac & cheese tastes better, why do they even still make normal noodle shaped macaroni?

6) No don’t take that bite. Wait for it to cool. Ah who am I kidding? I knew what I was getting into when I bought this.

7) Was I the only 3rd grader that played “The Oregon Trail”? No? Okay was I the only 3rd grader that cried because they couldn’t figure out how to use the General Store? Yes? Yeah, that makes sense.

8) What does this Note even mean? Whatever I was trying to remind myself of clearly is never going to happen.

9) Phones need to stop getting bigger. I want my RZR back.

10) Are you watching a video of someone playing a video game? I have follow-up questions, but can I just email them to you? There are upwards of 7.

Stay tuned.

#diablog

Alcohol isn’t the solution…

Now I know that we have all heard the joke that “alcohol actually is a solution” because hahaha chemistry joke. CLASSIC. But you know what in all reality, is the best solution?

pizza

pizza

I bet you have never read an entire post about how pizza is the solution. Not a chemistry joke- I really do firmly believe that pizza can solve a lot of problems that the world has been struggling with. (not all problems. that would be crazy. ya know, just most of them. there is a pizza for every struggle.)

Problem: foreign policy conflict.

Solution: pizza party. More specifically- a “bring your own foreign topping, let’s make a friendship pizza”, pizza party. The U.S. Government should throw a pizza party for the U.N. and like every government official that wants to actually get shizz done, and then proceed to eat pizza, and get that shizz done.

What’s up world peace? How you been? Been lookin’ for you. Glad you finally made it to the foreign topping friendship pizza party.

Problem: obesity.

Solution: Send everyone to college. Then, place a free pizza restaurant as close to campus as possible. Here is the catch, the pizza is crazy greasy and doesn’t offer any good toppings. Students will eat so much pizza that they’ll get burnt out on it and never want it ever again. This fear and hatred will carry over into adulthood and they won’t give their kids pizza either.

I will admit that this could cause problems in pizza solving other issues in the world if everyone fears pizza, but there will be a marked decrease in obesity over that person’s lifetime and really this is mostly satirical anyway so this flaw doesn’t matter.

Problem: dog ate your homework.

Solution: Feed your dog pizza. Then it won’t be so hungry it eats paper. Maybe it will help you with your next assignment because it is so grateful that you got it that delicious treat.

I mean, it can’t be any worse than the stuff in dog food…case and point: this. You should probably be feeding your dog pizza anyway.

Do you see where I am going with this? Pizza really doesn’t have a downside. Well except the sadness you feel when it’s all gone and the anxiousness you have to experience waiting for it to be ready to eat…

One time Totino’s Pizza quoted me in a tweet from their account and it was the best day of my life. So, pizza.

You can’t buy happiness. But you can buy pizza. -Someone

Already August

As this summer is winding down and coming to a screeching end, I realize that this is my last “real” summer. The summer as I have come to know it, the ones that I have enjoyed all my life in my 17 years of education, is almost a thing of the past.

Sad, downright depressing even.

Now don’t get me wrong, I had a kickass summer. Let’s review:

Bonnaroo in June

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Skydiving in July

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And many many other scattered, awesome days and nights filled with

concerts,

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bachelorette parties,

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weddings,

Rose Wedding

proposals,

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(just kidding)

photoshoots at Mill Creek,

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the Ballyhoo,

Bar

holiday roadtrips,

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and, of course, chopping most of my hair off on a whim.

 2015-07-23 19.05.11

Basically, these last few months have come to be known as my “Bucket List Summer” and even though it is just about over, it isn’t yet. I have a couple more weeks of semi-freedom before it’s time to be a real-life big girl.

I’ll tell you what though, in my 17 summers, I’ve made enough memories to last me a lifetime. So I guess I’ll take solace in the fact that summers may almost be a thing of the past… but I’ve still got plenty of time on the clock for my Bucket List Life.

#ThanksObama

What I am getting from the news these days it that the hip and happening thing to do is run for President in 2016. So… I will take the opportunity on this exceptionally well-circulated platform (Hi Mom) to declare my candidacy for President of the United States.

That’s right, peeps. I am trying to be the POTUS. I’m not running as Republican or as Democrat, although I do align myself with one side when it comes to parties …. the right. The right to party that is. Classic joke, and certainly necessary.

Anyway, here are the Top 5 need-to-know basics that you should consider on Election Day.

1) I just turned 22, so legally I couldn’t take office until 2028 when I’ll be 35. But the gov just have someone like fill in for me until then, like they do with monarchies. That’s how it works, right? So really you’re voting for that person, but I’ll pick someone dope.

2) Pizza should get the proper recognition it deserves by being classified as a food group. It will go right in the middle of the pyramid because it’s a pretty social food, so it likes to be around others. There was a study done about it, so science is on my side.

3) I love to make numbered lists. So everything from my office would be pretty easy to read. Okay, somewhat easier to read, but still not easy. Politics, am I right? (yes, the right to party I already said that, cut me some slack.)

4) Julie Andrews is a national treasure. I don’t care that she is British, we called dibs when we made her Mary freakin’ Poppins. And then doubled down when we gave her her own country as the Queen of Genovia. Dibs is legally binding, England. As President, I will continue to fight for what is ours whether it is rightfully ours or not. I mean our forefathers got us this land using that practice, and we carved some of their faces into a mountain. So if you don’t like it, take it up with Mount Rushmore.

5) I don’t watch soccer, but the rest of the world loves it like more than they love breathing air. Rory McIlroy actually loves it more than he loved to defend his Open Championship title this year (too soon, sorry Rory). So… we should do something about liking it more as a whole. See, I don’t even know enough to say that we’ll do something with it. I just thought I should acknowledge sports.

Yup, that’s pretty much my platform. Sluboski 2016 (2028 technically). I mean my hair may not be “Blake Lively in Gossip Girl” good, but it will never be “Donald Trump at any place, at any time ever” bad. At least I have that going for me if this thingy falls through.

Love Wins: a rant

In the list of “things that piss me off” number two is people judging other people’s lifestyle and right behind it, is people speaking inaccurately on my behalf. Number one is when people chew too loud but that is besides the point.

Sometimes, I hear people speak for me and I just want to tell them what I really think about how terrible their sweater is since they feel the high-and-mighty power to mosey their opinions right on over into my life as if they came directly from my mouth. Instead, I put it in my monoblog and keep my mouth shut. Usually.

I, obviously, have an entire blog about my opinions and thoughts that people can read if they want to know what I think… but people don’t have to read it. In fact, most people don’t. And others feel free to inform me of their opinions about some of their least favorite posts anyway (here’s lookin’ at you Mr. drinking Blue Moon tonight since you drank all of the Corona we had in the hotel already).

Anyway. Today is neat. “same-sex marriage” is now just “marriage” in the good ole U.S. of A., since The Supremes decided to overturn a court case and now it’s legal in all 50. (cue the sound of people exiting this browser. Tootles to them.)

It is a beautiful and gorgeous day for everyone. Not just humans who like humans with the same parts… all humans. One day, I think that even the most conservative of Republicans will get that. No offense, but who freaking cares that Jack and Jim are in love? Not me. Hey, free love, go them. It’s not my life, so I don’t get a say- hence pet-peeve numero uno.

Growing up in democratic Connecticut, in a city with a diverse population taught me to just let people be who they want to be. Freedom is not for some, it is for all. And that is amazing, no matter how you slice it. America is working on it, so get your brains out of the 1900s and join us in the 2010s. Black people marry white people who have mixed race children who marry people from other races and religions and contribute to society just exactly the same way that single-race humans do. This is 2015, and this is the United States of America, not Harry Potter world. “Pure-blood” isn’t a thing. The only thing pure about my blood in comparison to any other person’s is that it doesn’t carry any common blood abnormalities.

But that is another post entirely.


Lemme lay some bits of knowledge on y’all who are freaking out about Jack and Jim’s pending nuptials:

1) Jack and Jim are doing wayyyyyy less harm than Kris and Kim.

The divorce rate is actually higher among heterosexual couples than it is among homosexual ones. And listen here ye who says “but there are more legal straight marriages than gay marriages so that statistic is biased.” Here is a math fact: percentages take that into account, so google it if you’re still confused. Knowing this will help you in life beyond belittling other people’s lifestyles too, so it’s best to just know it.

2) The Church is the oldest institution on the planet. It will likely survive this news as it hasn’t crumbled from the other countries that it is legal in. Relax. We’re probably in the clear, but just to be safe: ask Spain, Portugal, Canada, France, Sweden, Norway, Iceland and Brazil, just to name a few.

As an exceptionally proud Christian woman, I know that the Bible, Leviticus 18:22 to be exact, says that a man shall not lie with another man as it is an abomination. Blah blah blah. This is the verse that conservative Christians love and I mean loooooovvvvveeee, quoting to make homosexuals feel like God hates them and they’re going to hell.

Well, my God, whom I actually do believe is the same one that you claim to follow, loves the gays. You know why? Because they know their own hearts, the hearts that our Lord and Savior made them, and they don’t lie about it. So, as per pet peeve numero dos: no, you do not speak on behalf of all Christians, because I am a Christian, and I firmly believe that God loves all His children. I could cite like 30 different scripture references to this as well. But truthfully, the Bible, in all it’s holiness as the number one best-selling book in the world, is a book that was canonized (look it up) by a collection of men. Shocker. I know, but Christ himself did not actually pen the book, it is a religious text that is interpreted many many different ways, so if we are taking the Bible’s words literally….. stop eating pork, beef, clams, and a bunch of other things that most of us eat. Yup. It’s unclean. Took that from the Bible; Leviticus 11 actually, so I didn’t even have to travel very far from the go-to “God hates gays” Bible reference to find it. Lucky.

Now, I can understand not wanting to take the whole text literally, that would be just hard and I wouldn’t want you to struggle with oppressive religious practices, but I mean we can’t even stay true to one entire book? C’mon. If you’re going to take one sentence so literally that you plaster it on posters and cite it in every debate, and the next just be all “bahhh, no that part is outdated” then I will put you on my church’s prayer chain until you can sort out that hypocrisy.

Oh more from Leviticus: don’t wear fabric blends, that’s right, just same-fabric clothing pieces from now on since we follow the Bible word for word. Leviticus is the be-all, end-all book that we quote and follow verbatim, so make sure you check the tags on your favorite shirt before you head out picketing the courthouse steps today.


Bottomline, as a straight Christian woman, I don’t judge people because of their lifestyles and I don’t condemn them to hell either. “Judge not, that you be not judged.” -Matthew 7:1 That one you can take literally.

Master P put it best, “only God can judge me.” I may be an ordained minister, but the only real power that gives me is to legally marry people. All people now. So shout out to the SCOTUS.

-end relatively long rant-

Namesake

So recently, someone mentioned something about Green Day in reference to the title of my blog.

I just want to send out a heartfelt apology to all the Green Day fans who subscribe to me in hopes that I will one day reveal that I live my life in accordance with the lyrics that they have given to the American public… but I am here to disappoint as usual.

“Walking Contradiction” was released in 1995 and I was 2 years old. I didn’t know that the song existed until tonight and I had never heard it. Still haven’t. I know American Idiot and Boulevard of Broken Dreams, but my blog isn’t named after those songs either.

See? The more you learn the less anything makes sense.

We’ve All Got That One Person

If you’re lucky, at some point in your life, you found That One… and swiftly moved the heck on. I can tell that you are confused because you think that I mean “The One” but I don’t. It’s the subtleties people, indulge me in an explanation, won’t you?

Let me break it down for you: I mean that hopefully you have found That One (imagine me saying “that” with my mouth stretched out all the way on the sides. You know the face, the one that usually accompanies the word “yikes”. This face…)

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Attractive. I know.

I mean that hopefully you have found that one person you dated that was just super wrong for you; because that person is pretty much the key to having some perspective on your love life.

Here is why you needed to find that person, or at least why I did:

1) You have to have a little rain to appreciate the sunshine. Plain and simple: You really, really, really appreciate a good guy once you have spent enough time pining over a bad one.

2) I’ve said it before and I will say it at least 700 more times: The best way to figure out what you want in a person, is to figure out what you don’t. For example: you think now that “lives in the moment” is a must-have quality that sounds appealing… until that begins to translate to “doesn’t prioritize and doesn’t have goals.” Or even worse when the guy that “has a lot of dreams” turns into the guy that “gives up at the first sight of trouble.”  Yeah, that is a harsh reality to accept. I thought I wanted a guy who was as loud and opinionated as I am, and then I dated one. Now I know that it’s all about balance.

3) They had something to teach you. If it was to look before you leap, then odds are you’ll be a little more prepared for the next fall. If it was not to judge a book by the cover, I bet the next chapter you read has a little more substance. If a failed relationship taught you nothing, then you must still be mad at them. Give it time, you will one day see how to turn the bad into good.

4) You needed to learn that sometimes your friends are wrong, but other times, they are reallllyyy right. Trust me on this one, if all of your friends are saying they’re no good, it doesn’t matter that you “know a different side of them” or that they’re “working on it”. Head. For. The. Hills. Since your friends aren’t in the relationship, they can usually be more objective than you can be. They know all your flaws and they still hang out with you, so it’s probably deeper than “we don’t like his hair.”

5) For some people it really does take losing everything to figure out what is important. And that’s part of growing up. It’s okay to fall in love with the wrong person. It’s okay to be sad when relationships don’t work out. No matter how much you shouldn’t have fallen for someone, it’s okay to be sad when it’s gone. For me, a bad relationship almost ruined my life, and I would never wish that on anyone. But getting up from that taught me that I am way more badass than I thought I was and worth immensely more than I had been told.

It took me about 20 years and one pretty terrible boyfriend to figure these things out… But I’d consider myself pretty lucky to have found That One before I totally blew it with The One. And believe me, I would have. So next time you have some rain come your way, just think about how awesome that next little bit of sunshine is going to be. Love brought me a pretty torrential downpour, and then one day it gave me back the light.

If you think that’s cheesy, you should read the things that I don’t publish online.

The Inevitable

It’s been said a time or two that we all eventually turn into our parents. Well if that doesn’t terrify you, then I don’t know what would. Don’t get me wrong, my father is one of the funniest people I know and my mother basically manages my whole entire life; but I lived with them for 18 years, so I’ve kind of had my fair share of Cathy and Steve.

But as I’ve grow up, all signs are pointing to one thing…

I am turning into my mother.

That’s right, the symptoms started to present a few years ago.

First, I found myself talking to strangers in the store. And I mean every store. The grocery market, our local convenience store, TJ Maxx, just everywhere. I couldn’t control it, I noticed I was complimenting people on the shirt that they were looking at and telling them that it would look really good with their hair color. Now, I can talk to a brick wall, it’s just who I am but still, that was the first sign.

Then, I heard myself on the phone. It was a cold February afternoon and I couldn’t log onto my online banking. This was strange because I’ve used the same username and password for years (hack me, go ahead, there isn’t any money to be stolen, that is a promise). It was when I told them my name, it all happened in slow motion: “Oh hi, I can’t log onto my online banking app– yeah sure, that’s Haley, spelled the easy way H-A-L-E-Y and then Sluboski S-L-U…-B as in boy…-O-S…-K-I.” And there it was, the second symptom.

Next, I was having a conversation with someone about Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors. The other person brought up that they were pretty sure that “Steph” wasn’t his real name and then I felt it happen. I reached for my phone and googled it. Just like that. Second nature, I had to know. What if it came up again? You think I want to walk through life not knowing that the 2015 MVP of the NBA’s real name is Wardell? No. No way. Not me. That’s when I realized that the need to know was the third warning sign.

The next day, I found myself back at the store because I had to return something. Want to know why? Well that is easy. I liked a shirt, but didn’t want to try it on right then. So there I was… returning a shirt that was roughly 3 sizes too large. All because a familiar thought crept into my mind while standing there looking at the hanger, “they have a good return policy.” There, in the return line of a store I had been in not even 24 hours earlier, the fourth symptom was revealed.

6 minutes later, my condition got worse. Way worse. The conversation went like this:

Me: “Hello, I need to return this shirt. The tags are still on it.”

Cashier: “We’d be happy to give you your money back, do you have the receipt?”

Me: “Oh. Yeah, it should be in here because I kept it just in case so that I could get the tax back. Let me just check.” (I probably could have used the 6 minutes in line to find it, but why on God’s green earth would I do that?)

And there was the first half of the fifth clue, I knew they would ask for the receipt and still did not have it ready.

Me: “Okay, yes, it has to be in here, I just have to find which one.”

I held in my hand a stack of receipts from probably everything I had bought in the past 2 weeks, all casually stored in a pocket of my purse. I possessed an entire pocket full of receipts. The fifth clue is what confirmed it… I am in the late stages of turning into my mother.


Over the next few weeks, the signs became more glaring, and I knew that I had to admit it to my close friends and most trusted companions. But would I be able to say it out loud? Could I really accept the facts and continue on with my life as it was before? The answer is both yes and no. I would have to admit it, but I would need help from my friends to learn how to move on and cope with this new reality that I live in.

Life happens and some things just can’t be avoided or put off. Now I was living a life I never planned to live. I had to embrace it. I am becoming my mother. This is my life now too.

Lucky for me, my mom isn’t such a bad person to be like. She is kind beyond words, wild beyond expectations, intelligent to the point that people must think she is superwoman because they expect too much of her, and so helpful that “no, I have a lot on my plate” is never even a thought to her. So yeah, I’m probably going to end up a lot like my mom, but really that’s only if I get lucky. With no hope for a cure in sight, symptoms may persist but really I think that I’ll be able to live with the diagnosis.

(side note: Mom, I know you’re the only one who reads this so don’t take offense to the jokes, you are the bomb.com, I just wanna be my own website, you understand. thanks for laughing along. oh and for showing all your friends, but if you bring this up at Christmas, I swear on the nativity that you probably still have up, that I will rip up all your receipts and you’ll never get the tax back. just sayin’)